Ra's SECRET diary!
by Psycho Llama
Summary: Diary entries from the Goa'uld Ra, from the Stargate movie. Now with Song-fic!
1. Diary entries

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or anything to do with it!!  
  
Ra's Diary.  
  
Day 1:  
  
Found old diary under bed. I suspect it was a birthday present from Osiris. Smells pretty, must thank Osiris later. Still dying, still searching the universe for a better species that can be used for a host. Unas are sooo ugly. Facial spikes just aren't me. Am still the prettiest Goa'uld out there. Ammonet can shove it; her eyes are all the wrong shade of crimson.  
  
Day 2:  
  
Victory! Go me! Found a pretty species on this random planet. Possessed a boy from Egypt. Great body, but I'll have to work on this hair. Curls and frizz just aren't me. I shall call the species: Tau'ri. Not that pretty, but Anubis swore he'd kill me if I named any more species/planets/solar systems after my eye shadow shades. Running out of mascara. Must remember to buy some more at the closest Star- mart. Still the prettiest Goa'uld, and now with the prettiest host. Go me!  
  
Day 3:  
  
Lol, enslaved all of the Tau'ri, am now a 'God'. Go me! I get worshipped and everything! How many Goa'ulds can say that they have worshippers? None! Mwuhahahaha! Note to self, must work on evil laugh. Getting a brand new Stargate installed on this planet. Took a while, had to reboot the Stargate. If I crash the server the System Lords will kill me. Running low on eye shadow. Trying to get Tau'ri to invent a hair straightener. Am still the prettiest Goa'uld.  
  
Day 156:  
  
Go me! Am now officially a System Lord! All the Goa'uld like the Tau'ri. Ammonet v. jealous of my straight and shiny hair. Bought a new dress. Purple is sooo not my colour. It doesn't go with my new headdress. Headdress v. cool, it morphs in and out. Spent whole day playing with it. Hehe, my headdress is so much prettier than Apophis'. And I am still the prettiest Goa'uld, and now a System Lord!  
  
Day 1791011:  
  
Had a fight with Hathor over who is prettier. I mean really, everyone knows I am the prettiest! Everyone! Her hair is all the wrong shade of vermilion. And she keeps flirting with all the guards. Locked her in a sarcophagus. That'll teach her for stealing my eyeliner. Stupid Cow. Bet the imprisonment was really hard on our son. Let him kill some random Tau'ri to make him feel better. I think he over did it, the city is v. quiet right now. Lol, you give a kid a gun and this is what happens The Tau'ri don't like me. No body loves me! But I am still the prettiest Goa'uld out there, and I'm prettier than Hathor.  
  
Day 1791088:  
  
Stupid Tau'ri rebelled and buried the Stargate. Now stuck on Abydos. I lost my fav. necklace on Earth, the nice shiny gold one with my trademark eye on it. V. upset with myself. Have a bad headache, wish Tau'ri would hurry up and invent some aspirin. Had to borrow mascara from one of the guards. Left all make-up on Earth, hope those damn Tau'ri don't waste it. Eye shadows really expensive this centaury. Even without my make-up, I'm still the prettiest Goa'uld in the universe.  
  
Day 2515168:  
  
Flying to planet Abydos for more naquadah, and to top off my tan. Looking pale just isn't in fashion any more. Overheard a guard making fun of my prettiness. Killed him with a ribbon device, brought him back to life, and killed him again. V. entertaining for a while. I am the prettiest Goa'uld alive and no one will mock me for it!  
  
Day 2515169: Arrived on Abydos, found some strange Tau'ri lurking around my pyramid. Yes, pale is definitely not a good look on this species. Threw them in the dungeon after efforts to communicate with them. Ended up throwing tantrum when they wouldn't answer any of my questions. My Anubis guard believes that they don't even speak our language. I guess I must believe him. I mean, this isn't some cheap television series where every single civilisation speaks the same language. Stole shiny badges from one of the Tau'ri. It looks better on me anyway. They brought a bomb with them. Wonder how long they've been neglected for. They've already harnessed the power of the atom. Hey, that line sounds good! Must use later when talking to Tau'ri. I'm still the prettiest Goa'uld. I'm so pretty it hurts! Go me!  
  
Day 2515170: Was woken up really early when some more of these weird Tau'ri were spotted. Defy me of my beauty sleep will they? I shall destroy the planet they come from! Haha! The Tau'ri with the optical lenses seemed to understand what I was saying. He has nice hair. I wonder how I'd look as a blonde. Or maybe even streaks? Completely blonde would not suit my pretty eyes. The one with the optical lenses is quite cute, but the one with the black t-shirt and ugly black hat will kill me if I try anything. He saw me wiggling my eyebrows at the Tau'ri with the optical lenses and tried to shoot me with one of the guard's staffs. Had black t-shirt Tau'ri imprisoned with the other Tau'ri imprisoned. Will talk to optical lens wearing Tau'ri later.  
  
Day 2515170 again:  
  
Weird Tau'ri are from the planet Earth. Got my fav. necklace back. Go me! Kept making suggestive come-ons to the Tau'ri with optical lenses, but he didn't pick up, so I ordered him to kill his friends. Loser, that'll teach him for ignoring my pretty eyelash fluttering. Spent all night trying on my jewellery. Have big public execution tomorrow, got to look v. pretty for audience. I have a reputation to uphold. The prettiest Goa'uld in all the universe, that's me!  
  
Day 2515171:  
  
Morning execution didn't go v. well. The Tau'ri escaped and are hiding with some kids. V. pissed with the Tau'ri right now. Killed one of the guards. Didn't like him anyway, saw him passing notes about me on the ship. Got a letter from Heru-ur today. He wants me to wire him some money. That's all he ever talks about. He never says 'hi' or drops in for dinner. He always forgets my birthdays, even my birthyears! He chooses really ugly hosts, and he must have gotten his fashion sense from his mother's side. I just can't be seen with him! His host has no hair! And it's pale too! He thinks he knows everything because he's a few inches taller than I am. Well I'll tell him something, I am the prettiest Goa'uld in the universe and I know all!  
  
Day 2515172:  
  
Oh great, now the people of Abydos are rebelling. I should never had let those Tau'ri from Earth live. At least I get to blow up a planet. Even though it was the planet I found the Tau'ri on, it has to go. I wish I could see the planet when it blows up, that would be fun. Waiting for load of naquadah to arrive, the servant kids aren't paying any attention to me, so all I can do is write in my diary until it is over. I've already fixed my mascara several times and I'm not in the mood to give any of the guards some makeovers, although they desperately need them. Sounds like there's some trouble on the bottom floor. Better see how the fighting is going.  
  
Day 2515173:  
  
I'm dead. Life is SO not fair! I don't even get to ascend! And there's no make-up in the afterlife either! I'd kill myself for lack of cosmetics, but I'm already dead! This sucks so v. much. But hey, I may be dead, BUT I'M STILL THE PRETTIEST GOA'ULD EVER! DEAD OR ALIVE! 


	2. I'm too sexy songfic

Day 2515184:  
  
Go me! Ascended and reborn! Yay! ...Found out I was reincarnated as a Tau'ri on Earth... damn... Not v. happy about being reincarnated as a cross- dressing hairdresser. Met v. cute guy today, must find out more about this 'Fergus' person. Even though I'm a Tau'ri, damn it, I'm still the prettiest Tau'ri out there! Hairdresser or not! ~ Ra  
  
Day 2515199:  
  
Decided to write down what I was singing in the shower. . .  
  
I'M TOO PRETTY!!  
  
I'm too pretty for my Queen, too pretty for my Queen  
  
Queen's going to leave me!  
  
I'm too pretty for my host, too pretty for my host;  
  
so pretty it hurts!  
  
And I'm too pretty for Delmak, too pretty for Abydos and Chulak!  
  
And I'm too pretty for your summit;  
  
too pretty for your summit  
  
No way I'm System Lord-ing!  
  
I'm a Goa'uld, you know what I mean  
  
And I do my little turn on the Ha'tak  
  
Yeah on the Ha'tak on the Ha'tak yeah  
  
I do my little turn on the Ha'tak I'm too pretty for my ship too pretty for my ship;  
  
too pretty by far!  
  
And I'm too pretty for my mask  
  
Too pretty for my mask, what do you think about my basque?  
  
I'm a Goa'uld you know what I mean  
  
And I do my little turn on the Ha'tak  
  
Yeah on the Ha'tak on the Ha'tak yeah  
  
I shake my little touche on the Ha'tak  
  
I'm too pretty for my too pretty for my, too pretty for my. . .  
  
'Cause I'm a Goa'uld you know what I mean  
  
And I do my little turn on the Ha'tak  
  
Yeah on the Ha'tak on the Ha'tak yeah  
  
I shake my Tau'ri tush on the Ha'tak!  
  
I'm too pretty for my cats too pretty for my cats  
  
Poor pussy poor pussy cats  
  
I'm too pretty for my son too pretty for my son  
  
Son's going to leave me!  
  
And I'm. . . too pretty for this song! 


End file.
